Covert Contracts from Nice Guy Syndrome
Covert contracts are the hidden deals Nice Guys make: 'I'll do X for you, and you'll give me Y in return.' The problem: the other person never agreed. When they 'breach' the contract, you feel resentful. They're confused. This guide explains how to identify and break covert contracts.
- 3 primary covert contracts: helpfulness, conflict-avoidance, perfection
- Resentment signals hidden expectations
- Making needs explicit breaks the pattern
The 3 Primary Covert Contracts
1) If I'm helpful enough, she'll love me. 2) If I never cause problems, she'll stay. 3) If I'm perfect, she'll want me. Each involves unstated expectations. When they're not met, resentment builds. The fix: make your needs explicit. Ask for what you want.
How to Break Covert Contracts
Identify when you feel resentful. What did you expect? Did you say it? Did they agree? If not, it was a covert contract. Make your needs explicit. Accept 'no' as a valid response. ConfidenceConnect's thought records help identify covert contracts.
Frequently Asked Questions
- What are covert contracts in Nice Guy Syndrome?
- Covert contracts are hidden deals: 'I'll do X for you, and you'll give me Y.' The other person never agreed. When they don't reciprocate as expected, you feel resentful. The fix: make your needs explicit.
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From the Blog
- Covert Contracts in Relationships: How to Identify & Eliminate Them (Examples Included)
Identify and break covert contracts in relationships. Dr. Glover's framework with examples, the 3 primary contracts, and exercises to make needs explicit.