Covert Contracts in Relationships: How to Identify & Eliminate Them (Examples Included)
Covert contracts are the hidden deals Nice Guys make: "I'll do X for you, and you'll give me Y (approval, sex, love) in return." The problem: the other person never agreed. They don't know the contract exists. When they "breach" it, by not reciprocating as you expected, you feel resentful. They're confused. The relationship suffers. Dr. Glover identifies covert contracts as a core Nice Guy pattern. This guide explains how to identify them, the three primary contracts, and how to make your needs explicit instead.
What Covert Contracts Are
Covert = hidden. Contract = an agreement. A covert contract is an agreement you made in your head that the other person never signed. You do something for them. You expect something in return. You don't say what you want. You hope they'll "figure it out." When they don't, you feel betrayed. They feel confused. Nobody wins.
Example: You do the dishes, take out the trash, and remember her birthday. You expect appreciation, affection, or sex. You never say that. She doesn't know. She takes it for granted (or doesn't notice). You feel resentful. "After everything I do for her..." The contract was covert. She never agreed.
The 3 Primary Covert Contracts Nice Guys Make
1. "If I'm helpful enough, she'll love me." You do favors, solve problems, anticipate needs. You expect love, affection, or sex in return. You don't ask. You hope. When she doesn't reciprocate as expected, you feel unappreciated.
2. "If I never cause problems, she'll stay." You avoid conflict. You suppress your needs. You never say no. You expect her to stay, to be loyal, to love you. You don't ask for what you need. You hope she'll notice. When she doesn't, you feel taken for granted.
3. "If I'm perfect, she'll want me." You hide your flaws. You perform. You're the "good guy." You expect desire, respect, or commitment. You don't express your real self. You hope she'll want the performance. When she doesn't respond as expected, you feel inadequate.
The pattern: You're making deals in your head. The other person doesn't know. When they "breach," you're angry. The fix: make your needs explicit. Ask for what you want. Accept that they might say no.
How to Identify Your Covert Contracts
Reflection questions:
- When do I feel resentful in relationships? What did I do? What did I expect in return?
- What do I do for others without being asked? What do I hope they'll do for me?
- When have I felt "unappreciated" or "taken for granted"? What was the hidden expectation?
Common triggers: Resentment is a signal. When you feel resentful, ask: "What did I expect? Did I say it? Did they agree?" If not, it was a covert contract.
How to Break Covert Contracts
1. Make your needs explicit. "I'd like X. Are you willing to do that?" No hinting. No hoping. Direct ask.
2. Accept "no" as a valid response. If they say no, you have information. You can negotiate, accept it, or decide the relationship doesn't work for you. Covert contracts avoid that conversation, and that's the problem.
3. Stop doing things with unstated expectations. If you're doing something for someone, either do it freely (no expectation) or state what you'd like in return. No hidden deals.
4. Practice asking for what you want. Start small. "I'd like to go to this restaurant. Would you be up for that?" "I need some time alone tonight. Is that okay?" Build the muscle of direct communication.
How ConfidenceConnect Supports Breaking Covert Contracts
ConfidenceConnect's thought records help you identify covert contracts. The app provides boundary-setting practice and scripts for making needs explicit. Explore ConfidenceConnect for structured support.
Covert contracts feel safe, you avoid the risk of asking and being rejected. But they create resentment and confusion. Making your needs explicit is scary, and it's the only way to have real relationships.